WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He? As in you personified your dick?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia