Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
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Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.