I never want to see another naked old woman again.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
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You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
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don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face