i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
