I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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