If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
from now on my penis is your penis
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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