If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
