I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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