I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
