3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
