just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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