Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
