I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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