she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
