plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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