capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
