So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
