My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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