Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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