have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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