Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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