Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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