Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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