Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
