dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
