My first STD was from a foam party
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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