I think i sorta joined a cult last night
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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