I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
