She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
