i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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