i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have already put on my inside pants.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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