god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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