Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
