My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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