your room smells of hookers.
And success
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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