You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Michael Bay diarrhea
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
