i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
