Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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