Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
