she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
