Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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