Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
