and you said cock pushups were impossible
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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