You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
