Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
