After last night, I could never be a politician.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
