FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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