I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
