I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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