look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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