we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
