k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
