wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He passed out mid-signature
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
