Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
