Don't make out with my wife yet
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
