dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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