I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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