Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
