I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I understand Curling. That high.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
