Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
