I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We are all done wearing pants today
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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