What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
