She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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