I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
