Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
