Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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